I can’t stand my father-in-law’s womanizing ways - Dear Annie

My mother-in-laws have been married for over 50 years.  Most of the time, it was not a marriage of love or respect.  My father-in-law "John" has a history of being a womanizer and has consistently treated my mother-in-law "Jane" with disrespect, which has manifested itself in verbal and psychological abuse over the years.  John is known to people outside of our family as a fun-loving person who is always the life of the party, when in reality, he is quite the opposite of what those closest to him see.  I can't remember the last time John spoke a kind word to my mother-in-law and I am truly sorry that she spent her life in such an unhappy marriage.  I believe that they have been together so long that they have developed a successful business that neither of them wants to see a breakup in the name of divorce.

   It is common knowledge in our family that my in-laws have been unfaithful many times during their marriage, but recently I was diagnosed with a condition that is burning a hole in my heart.  Together, I overheard a conversation John had with a longtime friend, who shared a story about having sex with a woman who had been a part of their professional community for decades.  The part of the story that I cannot get out of my mind is not the graphic description of the action, but the beginning of the story with the year in which it happened;  My wife was born this year!  I was so impressed that I could not speak, and I continued to listen as he boasted about the incident to his friend.

   I don't know if this happened when Jane was pregnant or when my wife was a newborn, but learning this information left me emotionally devastated.  What kind of person does that?  I feel sick now because I am burdened with this information.  I can't wrap my mind around why he told such a story of adultery in such gruesome detail after all these years.  Obviously, she's still proud of her victory after all this time, which I find particularly embarrassing.

   My question to you is what would I do with this information?  I can't continue it because the anxiety it causes me is too much.  I really feel like I need to tell John that I know his little secret, but I don't know how to reveal it.  Distressed by adultery

   Dear Distressed: You are right;  This guy is a real jerk.  If his infidelity really is common sense, I doubt anyone would benefit from telling your wife or mother-in-law about this new discovery.  They are probably well aware of their deception.  However, the widespread concern about your mother-in-law being in an abusive marriage deserves some attention.  If your wife is on your side, I would encourage her to talk to her mother about getting professional help - to protect her mental health, see a therapist, and visit her legal estate in case of a divorce.

   If your wife does not see what you see, go to your mother-in-law yourself, when she is alone and in a safe place away from her husband.  Tell her you love her and it's never too late to find happiness with someone who respects her.

   You should also seek the help of a therapists for your own benefits.  This will help relieve the undue concern of keeping a secret.